True harships

I take a blog to be like an online diary. sometimes its just good to get things out there.
Well. here’s my story.

When i was 8 years old my father was diagnosed with a rare disease called Wegneres Granular Mitosis. It’s a form of vasculitis and there is no cure. It’s an idiopathic disease, which means that the cause of the disease is unknown.
I’m 21 now, and i still battle to understand how that works.
Growing up with a sick parent is the worst thing in the world. Whenever my father got sick, i wished i could help him in some way. To take all his pain away. He passed away on the 14th April 2008. I’ll never forget the day, When i woke up it felt as is something was wrong. I’ll never forget how painful it was for me when they told me he died. One can often describe physical pain, when you get cut by a knife, it’s a sharp, stinging pain. But when that happens to your heart? Words don’t do it justice. It was so surreal, the way my life took  a complete 360. And i has to cope with everything. I’m still not okay with it, some days are good and some days are such a misery. But im sort of used to hardships now/.True hardships.

It took me a while to get used to everything. When i was young, i hated reading. I don’t know why, i just found it so boring, When i was 13, i went to the library with a friend,, and got hooked I’d end up reading 14 books in a week. I love the feeling when you finish a book, satisfaction.
I read this book called Forever by Sarah Dessen. Where the main character also looses a parent, i could really relate to the book. It helped me in so many ways.
So after that i started writing, short stories mainly. I always used to write, but silly things that lacked emotion.
I guess my father’s passing taught me how to explore my emotions, i was always so cooped up and afraid to show my feelings.
After i started writing, i couldn’t stop.
It was and still is the best from of therapy. It helped me in more way than i can imagine.
its been 5 years now, and like i said, i still have many issues to go through. But i take one day at a time. Because that the only way you’re going to get through.

Financially, things has been really hard on us. It’s only my mother, sister and myself. There were days where we had nothing in the cupboard! My father was the breadwinner and my mother quit her job to look after my father on his last.
So  things were really hard and its real real real crap to not have money.
My sister and I received scholarships to go to this real good high school . And during the times when we had no money, it was so hard to see all these people just splurge on things. They’d probably never counted their money to buy a packet of chips before. Like me.
And some people were so rude and arrogant, i hated seeing all those spoilt rich kids that i could never relate to.
I really miss my dad, I live in South Africa and things aren’t really safe. I know there’s crime everywhere, but SA is amoungst the highest ranking in the world. So i always felt safe when my father was around. When he died, the smallest of noises outside would send my heart scattering. I miss the overall feelings i received from my father. The small things like him wishing me on my birthday, the feeling of my hands on his back when i hugged him.
There are days when i can’t handle it, where the emotional pull on my heaert is so intense that i cry for a while. But after i cry it feels soooo much better. Crying really helps.
Well, that’s the story of my father’s death for now.

xx

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